To: Sage Rosenfels
Re: Four Minutes That Will Change Your Life
Oh Sage.
This is how your day began: Coach Kubiak comes to you and says, "Sagey, Schaub's sick. You're in today. Get us a win."
You realize this is your big chance of the season. You played well in spot duty last year, and I know you heard the talk in Houston that maybe, just maybe, you should be the starting QB.
You played so well all game man, until there were about six minutes left in the game.
Then what happened?
That's not a rhetorical question, Sage—seriously, what happened?
All you had to do was get that first down. Heck man, you had the first down—all you had to do was go down and get back up with the ball.
Instead you did some kind of crazy jump-helicopter move (a la John Elway, but no one's confusing you with Elway today), and of course the ball came out.
It didn't end there though—two fumbles and an interception in about four minutes. You lost the game for the entire team in four minutes. The Texans had a 10-point lead!
Schaub wasn't the only one sick on Sunday. After all of that, the entire city of Houston is sick.
I think you blew it.
To: Marty Booker and Reggie Wayne
Re: Sick Catches
You guys and your one-handed catches.
Reggie, as if the game wasn't exciting enough, that catch was awesome. You got all acrobatic on that Texans defender, spinning your body around, spread-eagle at one point, and grabbed the ball on its point with one hand. Your hands must be huge.
And M.B., I won't forget you. Yours was cool as well. The Lions' defender was basically pushing you out of bounds, hence the flag, and you reached over his shoulder, almost to the ground, and plucked that one before it hit the ground.
I know Kyle Orton and his beard were loving you after that one.
To: Aaron Rodgers
Re: Postgame Appearance
A smart man once told me, "Dress like the person with the job you want."
Now, I'm not saying you want to be Brett Favre, because we all know he never won any best-dressed awards (he's a spokesman for Wrangler, for crying out loud), but I think you can do better than what you showed in the postgame after the Packers' loss.
I know Green Bay is a blue-collar kind of town, but isn't Indy as well (and we never see Peyton looking anything less than dapper)? I mean, you were wearing a black beanie that fit you oddly. It was way up on your forehead, making it almost look like a top hat.
- B/R Ticket Guide
Combine that with the white thermal you were wearing, and you looked more like a University of Wisconsin ag student than a professional quarterback.
Take a page from the book of the winning quarterback, Matt Ryan. He looked like a winner with that suit and not a hair out of place.
You can do better, Aaron. I know you can.
To: Jon Kitna
Re: Looking Ugly
You think maybe it's time to start thinking about retirement?
I know, I know, the 401(k) looks shaky right now, but when you start throwing the ball to spots on the field where no receiver, not even a defender (so you can't use that "I got confused" excuse), is located, it might be something to consider.
It's a mess up there in Detroit, man.
The GM is out. The coach is probably next—the dead-man-walking syndrome.
You guys have two great receivers, but if no one has the ability to get the ball to them, they mean nothing. They're just glorified blockers for a running game that doesn't exist because you guys can't build a lead.
Roy Williams looked pissed on Sunday.
He's big and scary—that's another good reason to retire.
To: The Miami Dolphins
Re: Wildcat
You know what? Do you even need a quarterback?
Hike it to Ronnie Brown and let him throw it occasionally, run it himself, or hand it off to Ricky Williams.
In fact, my offer to the Steelers last week is still open. Their running back situation is clearing itself up, so I say cut Chad Pennington, pay me one-tenth of the salary, and I'll be your decoy.
Even if you don't use me, having Ronnie Brown play those two positions will free up some money, and you know The Tuna will spend it wisely.
To: Brett Favre
Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh
Okay, it's a bye week, so there's little I can say.
And after last week's performance, maybe I'm changing my tune a little...
...just a little.
To: Kyle Orton's Beard
Re: Looking Forward to the Winter
You make Kyle Orton look like a quarterback. Dan Fouts anyone?
Okay, so much is made of you on Kyle's face. There's a lot of discussion about the actual classification of you as a "neck beard." Now, I'm no expert, but you don't seem to go that far down on his neck.
You certainly help him do his job though. I don't recall whether you were around during his non-starting days, but I'm going to assume you weren't.
But you were there for his magical run in 2005 as the starter. What a season that was.
Obviously you convinced him to bring you back, and clearly that was the right choice for Kyle. Grossman and his baby face are a distant memory.
I heard though that Kyle's wife is not too fond of you.
My wife's not fond of mine either, but that's okay—it's football season!
My beard though is not quite as full-looking as I'd like it to be. I'll see if I can get it in touch with you.
To: Al Davis
Re: Tough to Lick
I heard you had some things to say after that conference announcing the firing of poor ol' Lane Kiffin.
I know you've forgotten by now, so here's a reminder:
"I'm healthy. You're going to have to have me around for a while. I'm fine, really. I take all the tests four times a year. I get a checkup on everything, echo and all those things. All the blood work, I do that four times a year. My mother, you know, she lived a long time, 103. I hope nothing happens. Because disease is the one thing, boy, I tell you, it's tough to lick. It's tough to lick those diseases. I don't know why they can't. It bothers me they won't let us use—and it doesn't mean that I'm Republican or Democrat—the stem cell. I think it could help."
You have to be careful of things like this, Mr. Davis—you sound a little crazy with this kind of random stating-of-things talk. You know, they say perception is some people's reality. If you're not careful, people may think you're crazy.
I'd also like to advise you to finish the sentences you begin.
"I fired him for cause" and "It bothers me they won't let us use...the stem cell" are not exactly complete and coherent thoughts.
Again, perception is some people's reality.
To: Ben Roethlisberger's Body
Re: This Sucks
You poor thing. Big Ben is going to do long-term damage to you if he's not careful.
I mean, the motorcycle accident should have been the last straw.
Now here he is playing on a short week after you took countless hits last week. And your shoulder is separated. And he ignored everything you were telling him and he still played.
You gotta admire his toughness. Heck, I admire your toughness, Ben's body.
Something's gotta give though.
It's a bye week, so you make sure he gets you a lingering warm bath every night. It's the least he can do.
comments (37) write a comment »
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about 1 month ago
Good read! I enjoyed it.
from about 1 month ago
thanks for reading shaun!
about 1 month ago
Nice stuff Daniel...
Re:Re: Wildcat
Don't hate on Chad, he is the NFL's most accurate passer over the past few season (a trait Jaws said is the most overlooked QB quality at any level on MNF). Chad is also a team player, he just wants to win, and is willing to stand out wide, so Ronnie Brown can get the hype.
Chad has had all the attention he needs in his career from the NY media. Now he just wants to play football, and help the Phins rite their franchise. If the Phins had a strong armed QB who was out throwing strong armed picks, they wouldn't have one either of these games.
P.S. Never turn your back on Favre, he's the BEST QB of all-time.
from about 1 month ago
Oy! All-time????? there are at least 8 better.
from about 1 month ago
john, no hate. just offering an opinion that money could be saved and spent otherwise.
i've got chad on my fantasy team. picked off on the waiver wire after brady went down.
just trying to offer some progressive ideas to the team...
heh...
...thanks for reading!
about 1 month ago
Very good. I am so happy Brett is doin' good. Also my Miami boys and ronnie brown. Big ben is gettin' hit way to much. They need to make some o-line trades. Keep a back in the backfield. No empty sets. Good read!
from about 1 month ago
micah,
yeah i've been giving brett some grief lately, but clearly he's turning this team around.
yeah poor ben is banged up--a well-timed bye week for the steelers.
thanks for reading!
about 1 month ago
Very interesting method Daniel, good read!
I agree with all open "remarks" too, good thoughts!
from about 1 month ago
craig,
thanks for reading!
hope you come back for more.
about 1 month ago
I LOVE the concept.
My Grandfather wrote a book called "The Devil You Say" back in the 1950s - similar concept letters between demons in hell explaining the terror they caused on earth. (Can you tell I'm Catholic?)
You could slip into different characters if you wanted: have Mary Booker write a letter to Reggie Wayne - that sort of thing.
There's 1000 directions you can go with this.
Nice work.
from about 1 month ago
buddy, thanks so much man.
that's a pretty cool idea your grandfather had way back when.
yeah someone else mentioned that to me as well, the idea of writing from different perspectives other than my own. may give that a shot next week.
thanks for the suggestion. for being my fan, and for reading.
about 1 month ago
Nice work Daniel. Big Ben's body takes more hits than a Lindsay Lohan joint, so you were dead on!
from about 1 month ago
Badda Bing!
from about 1 month ago
sam, thanks for reading.
funny you mention lohan...
...heard lohan found orton's beard "sexy".
now, if that's not enough to make a man grow a beard, i don't know what is...
about 1 month ago
Good job on this. I like the writing from different perspectives idea.
from about 1 month ago
joe, appreciate that.
yeah, been working on this for a few weeks, finally wanted to bring it more to light.
thanks for taking a look.
about 1 month ago
Innovative, entertaining, funny - I love it.
POTD.
from about 1 month ago
eric,
thanks so much man!
really appreciate your reading and the pick.
come back soon.
about 1 month ago
Ahaha, That was great, nice article. If you don't get in with the Jets, I'll try next :D
And Kitna....So true. I'd be running from Roy Williams, too.
from about 1 month ago
shawn,
looks like you're new to B/R so let me be the first to welcome you to the family. i hope you enjoy it as much as i have.
and thanks for reading. glad you enjoyed it.
look for new letters each week.
appreciate it!
about 1 month ago
I show the beginning of the Colts game, and then left to watch another game, only to see my Colts were on this scoring rampage. I loved it. Never doubt Manning until the last seconds tick off the clock. 10 point lead? All Manning needed was around three minutes or so to capture a win. Go Colts!
about 1 month ago
dominica,
thanks for reading and for being a fan. look out for the letters each week!
yeah, clearly you can never count out peyton. he did his part and wayne's catch was HUGE.
but the texans still handed the game over to the colts. that has to be a concern.
from about 1 month ago
No problem!
I enjoy reading your letters to the league.
about 1 month ago
Kitna truly has been sucking this year
from about 1 month ago
evan, no kidding. it's kind of humorous...he's got that scowl. it seems like he's scowling a lot lately.
correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't he the same guy that predicted this same team, last year, would win 10 games...
about 1 month ago
Excellent Daniel. Made me chuckle several times. I thinking weekly series?
POTD
from about 1 month ago
gd,
thanks so much for the pick.
glad to make some "chuckle," and i've been doing this since the season started, but i guess i haven't really shared it with anyone.
thanks so much for the pick!
about 1 month ago
It's strange, but even as he was blowing the game, I found myself wishing Sage Rosenfels was the Patriots starting quarterback...
God I hate Matt Cassel.
from about 1 month ago
sean, it's funny you should say that. not funny ha-ha, funny, like kinda scary.
is that what you pats fans have resorted to?
i mean, you saw what he did right?
cassel isn't THAT awful, is he? i mean, he figured out that he needs to throw to randy moss. it seems he learned that in the bye week.
i'm not convinced it's a lost cause in new england just yet.
thanks for reading man, and thanks so much for the pick!
about 1 month ago
That was funny dude! Especially the Sage letter! Hilarious! I watched that game and just laughed at Sage for being a complete IDIOT!!! They had the win and offered it up to the Colts "we need wins" Charity!!!
Good read man!
[Andy]
from about 1 month ago
andy, rather [andy] (like the use of brackets),
i'm glad you enjoyed it.
come back soon.
about 1 month ago
he did....
I liked watching him yelling a few weekends ago because it was high pitched....kind of like tiger woods...gotta love qb's with high pitched angry voices. it suits the position perfectly
from about 1 month ago
hah, no kidding.
you can't beat the falsetto-angry-voice.
classic.
about 1 month ago
Good Read, Daniel. I enjoyed it! keep up the good work.
from about 1 month ago
jeff,
thanks so much.
keep stopping by!
about 1 month ago
POTD for being fresh. Props.
Continue to innovate.
from about 1 month ago
tosten,
thanks!
i appreciate the kind words.
thanks for reading and thanks for the potd!!
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