Now that you have a basic understanding of football, it's time to get a bit more complicated with some schemes, more positions, and more football-oriented terms.
Long snapper: A player who specializes in long snaps and/or hiking the ball over the head-case's hands in punt formation.
Center: Supposedly, the smartest guy on the field.
Guard: The guy who nobody cares about.
Tackle: The guy who holds every defensive player showing blitz, and is not as smart as the center.
Showing blitz: A way to make the quarterback crap in his pants.
Blitz: A premeditated attempt of murder on the quarterback, or a way to expose blatant holding from the least smartest guy on the line.
Holding: What happens on every play, but is only called when a touchdown or critical third down conversion is made in your team's two-minute drill.
Two-minute drill: A last ditch effort to win the game that fails due to the least smartest guy on the field getting caught holding. A drill that really requires four minutes.
Safety: A two point penalty for the team that has the least smartest guy not holding, dammit.
Flushing out the quarterback: When the QB has noticed that none of his linemen are holding.
The pocket: Where all quarterbacks die.
Sack: When the quarterback has been in the pocket too long, or the least smartest guy wasn't holding long enough.
Offsides: When ADD kicks in.
Encroachment: A term to confuse football fans.
Roughing the passer: Justice...if the QB is 35/42 for 350 yards.
Shotgun: When the QB has no O-line to protect him from a sack and he stands eight feet behind center, thereby ensuring the sack will have 10 times the force upon impact.
Coach: The guy who hires brilliant assistant coaches so he can make 3 million dollars a year to macro-manage and lose in a BCS Bowl and then blame his assistants.
Two-point conversion: What your team never succeeds with when there's 3 seconds left in the game.
Bomb: A pass of over 40 yards in the air, usually just off the fingertips of a wide-open receiver, and causes every fan to get religious at once, yelling, "Jesus Christ."
4-3: Four down linemen, three in the box, and no prayer in stopping a blast play from the offense.
3-4: Three down linemen, four in the box and a first down for the O if they run the ball.
5-2: Two guards, two tackles, a nose guard and two in the box- why quarterbacks have high completion passes.
Stacking the line: What stops Superman.
Man-to-man, man: A defensive scheme where every DB is assigned to cover a particular receiver or RB in motion, but rarely does.
Zone: A defensive scheme that covers an area, rather than a player.
Blown coverage: When a DB is in a zone and the rest of the D is in man. D'oh.
Unsportsman-like conduct for excessive celebration: Something that pisses off Urban Meyer and Tyrone Willingham.
Running up the score:
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3 months ago
"Nachos: Stale chips and fake Velveeta with two sliced jalapenos drowning in a gooey mess that end up on your new, white $65 coach's shirt."
You meant "shriveled up, skanky" jalapenos, right? I mean. let's tell it like it is!
from 3 months ago
Lou-
I don't touch that stuff....it's canned jalapenos that are a year old for sure.
from 3 months ago
Thank you, Lisa, for this engaging and entertaining article.
from 3 months ago
Not as funny as last time. Tried too hard.
3 months ago
Another nice write-up :-)
from 3 months ago
Thanks Red...and good luck this Saturday!
3 months ago
good article i'm gonna give this to my ADHD girlfriend, user friendly article i give it 72 stars.
from 3 months ago
Thanks John!
3 months ago
Love: When you can't get the (Buckeye-Badger) game because you are out of the ABC region and your wife says, "Why don't we just buy ESPN GamePlan and stay in and watch the game?"
Great article as always Lisa. Thanks for the laughs.
from 3 months ago
Doug- I do believe that qualifies for a 3 karat stud set for her ears.
3 months ago
I'm pretty sure Lee Corso has a brain slug thusly making his stupidity a disability. Way to be insensitive to special needs citizens Lisa... ;)
from 3 months ago
I must be slow today.....I said he hit the jackpot. He sells pencils for a living. For real, that's why he always has a pencil in his hand! You gotta love that!
3 months ago
lisa horne strikes again part 2. lisa, you are getting more creative each time you type......i used to hate your articles, now i love em.............keep up the good work......see you in jacksonville.....................nov 1
from 3 months ago
Thanks John, for the kind words.
3 months ago
What's the definition of Mark May?
from 3 months ago
Oh! I forgot about him!
Mark May: Traveler in disguise.
3 months ago
You have done irreparable intestinal damage to each of your readers just by inventing a disturbingly redundant phrase such as "fake Velveeta."
Is this a California confection?
What the frak IS that? It's like saying Milli Vanilli didn't write their own lyrics: Yeah, fine, but really a parking ticket when compared against the larger cultural felony being committed.
from 3 months ago
Velveeta is as American as SPAM. Fake Velveeta is grainy...come on now...watch Food Network!
from 3 months ago
Velveeta is as American as SPAM. Fake Velveeta is grainy...come on now...watch Food Network!
from 3 months ago
Velveeta is as American as SPAM. Fake Velveeta is grainy...come on now...watch Food Network!
from 3 months ago
Spam at least has the virtue of being 100% produced from a real creature.
Velveeta, in all of its forms, is definitely not cheese as I understand the word and may not technically even be food. When desperate, residential contractors sometimes use it to make vinyl flooring adhere to plywood floors.
3 months ago
What's your definition of roughing the kicker?
from 3 months ago
Joe-
roughing the kicker: poetic justice to a head case who takes too damn long to get the kick off.
3 months ago
The nacho thing is great! I almost lost it. The worst isn't even the fact that it is fake Velveeta, but when they try to add that subtle spice to it to make it more south of the border. Plus ever try and eat those after they get soggy. Absolutely disgusting. My colon is still traumatized from when I ate them at Jacobs Field, now Progressive Field.
from 3 months ago
Chris-
It could be worse...you could be eating Rocky Mountain Oysters at Coors Field. Yuck!
from 3 months ago
I would've thought seafood at a ballpark would be a given no-no period. Thats as bad as the sushi at the ballpark as well.
3 months ago
5 & POTD
Whoops, she did it again!
Submitting alternate definitions:
Mark May: annoying blemish on hind quarters of Traveler.
Lou Holtz: new gig for Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies.
Cotton Candy: conspiracy by dentists to ruin children's teeth.
3 months ago
ha ha ha - ROTFL !
so true - tailgatin' always makes me wanna hog inside the stadium
Guard: The guy who nobody cares about (i dont know what this is - but it was effin hilarious)
and love the one about nachos and cotton candy -
cheers Lise
PS: Is it wrong to run up the scores in football ? ... can I counter point something - no one in my world would take offense to Rodge - when he serves sweet bagels (6-0)
its almost you like you are asking Rodge to give a grace game away -
I dont get that, but wanna know if the analogy fits Lise
cheers
3 months ago
oh yeah, and also - Picked it
3 months ago
Great article Lisa!!! 5 stars and POTD for sure
heres one for you
Pep Talk from Lou Holts= Automatic loss for your ream
from 3 months ago
*team
3 months ago
Great article! You didn't have one for Joe Paterno?
3 months ago
Another great one!! And I love the poll haha
3 months ago
Hey Lisa,
Brilliant! Just brilliant. Would love to hear you follow up the long snapper with a take on "fake punt". You know, when the punter is about to be knocked into next Tuesday by a second team safety (trying to earn playing time) and then attempts shot putting the football toward the line of scrimmage, leaving fans to wax philosophical..."What in the *bleep* was he (the punter, the coach, the poor "smartest guy on the field" who was hit in the back with said shot putted football) thinking?"
Dumbest question of the day?
Was this article worthy of POTD?
Lew
from 3 months ago
oooooooo, the fake punt. Nice addition...I like it! Thanks for the pick, and good luck against the Bruins!
3 months ago
The last two sold it for me... supercalifragilisticazillion stars. Oh, and POTD, especially for a Saturday!!!
(mmmmmm, college football--Homer Simpson *drool*--mmmmm, pastry products--which brings me to the "Blown Coverage" definition--Woo hoo!)
Oh, and "face tattoo" should be reworded to "cheek tattoo". It goes better with the definition. *GRIN*... yeah, I'll go now... >:-)
from 3 months ago
amen on the cheek tattoo! :p
3 months ago
Nice photo illustration of a "dummy" to accompany your article.
from 3 months ago
unintentional....I was using him as a spokesman or teacher...you know, like, Lee telling us the words and definitions.
3 months ago
POTD, lisa.
Watching the Notre Dame game from section 14 yesterday, I realized I had created a new scheme: prevent offense.
Definition? Give Michael Haywood a three touchdown cushion and the ensuing five drives will prevent your own offense from scoring again and allowing the other team to catch up, thusly being just as successful as a prevent defense.
3 months ago
Not as funny as last time. Tried too hard.
2 months ago
A little late reading it this time, another great one. These were mostly hilarious, but some I did not laugh at. For the most part, ROFL. 5* and POTD, again. Is there going to be a volume 3?
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